Sporks and Wives: The Sue Hunt
by TwentyRings
Summary: Across all Universes, a threat has been spreading from a realm unknown, and it is up to The Doctor and River Song to save not just their timeline, but everyone's... Parody fic, with multiple crossovers including but not limited to Harry Potter, Sherlock, Lord of the Rings, etc. Completed, sequel up!
1. Storming the Cage

**A/N: Finally, my first Doctor Who fic! Although this one features the Eleventh Doctor, it is hard to keep the Tenth out of my mind while writing him. Ten is really my Doctor, but I couldn't use him here as River is heavily featured.**

**This is a parody fic, so don't get irritated by the sheer ridiculousness please.**

**This story contains SPOILERS for Series 6 of Doctor Who. It takes place around the same period of the Night and the Doctor (NOT 'Night of the Doctor') miniseries. Hope you enjoy it!**

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><p>The TARDIS engines vworped gently as the blue box began to materialize in the prison cell. The Doctor frowned, and reached across the console and tugged at a lever, turning the parking brake off. Much as he loved that sound, alerting the guards really wouldn't do much good. Not that it mattered much anyway, he thought as he strolled down the steps towards the door. River had broken out of here hundreds of times... or was it dozens few times at this point? He paused to look at the date on a nearby monitor. Hundreds it was then.<p>

He paused at the door, ran his hands through his hair, straightened out his new purple bow tie, and turned the handle.  
>The Doctor frowned. The cell was empty.<p>

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><p>River Song was getting impatient. The Doctor had told her exactly when he would pick her up, and what with the tightened security and smaller cell she had recently been given, it would be just her luck if the TARDIS decided to land a decade too late. Just as she considered going back inside the facility, the gates burst open and through them came that wonderful blue box, spinning wildly as it flew through the air, finally touching down a few feet before her. The door opened and the Doctor stepped out, grinning madly. "Hello River. Hope I'm not late."<p>

"Hello sweetie. You may want to step back inside, those guards don't look very happy."

Sure enough, two angry guards bearing weapons were running towards them, while a third was sitting down staring straight at a spoon in his hand, with an intense stare and a lipstick smudge on his face. The Doctor pulled River into the TARDIS and closed the door behind them.

"Why weren't you waiting outside the gate? Last time you told me that I had agreed to that the time before," River said with a trace of irritation in her voice.

"Well, it would appear that this time is the time before, and your last time still hasn't happened for me. River, I propose we should meet outside the gate from now on as opposed to your cell."

"Oh, certainly if you insist sweetie," River replied with a smug smile.

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><p>"Well, now that you're here we should probably start on the... on the thing I had planned." The Doctor said happily.<p>

"And what sort of thing have you got planned for tonight?"

"Something different, something very different. Let's just say that an extremely rare trans universal portal is open for the first time in millennia, making dimensional travel that much easier, giving us the unique opportunity to a bit of spring cleaning, so to speak."

"Spring cleaning...of the entire Universe?"

"Oh River...the Universe is just the beginning. No, we're talking the entire Multiverse."

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><p>The Doctor was rooting through a storage panel on the TARDIS console while explaining his idea to River.<p>

"Basically, think of the multiverse as a very large neighborhood with millions of of houses, and in every single one there is something absolutely different going on, except...actually this metaphor is rather good and I'm going to stick with it."

River rolled her eyes, "Why is it taking you so long to find what you need in that tiny compartment?" she asked, as the Doctor threw out a rubber duck, a burnt out sonic screwdriver, and a white hat.

"It's bigger on the inside," the Doctor explained, "Anyway, in every house there are billions of rooms, and in each one there is something very slightly different going on. for instance, in one of the rooms I am doing exactly this, in another room I may be using a much worse metaphor, and in another house, the universe may be ruled by a sentient purple dinosaur."

"I...think I follow you," said River slowly, ducking as a copy of 'The Time Traveller's Wife' came flying at her.

"Now, on the outskirts of this neighborhood there is...say an outhouse. Rats come crawling from here into all the houses and infest some of the rooms, but nobody can get rid of them until the outhouse door is open."

"And that's the trans-dimensional portal you were talking about earlier. You want to send the rats from whence they came."

"Exactly! Well, sort of. They're not really rats, I'm actually being generous with that comparison."

"Are they evil?"

"Not exactly, just manipulative, lying, corrupting, vain, self-obsessed...let's just call them evil. They're called Mary-Sues. The don't belong in our multiverse, and it's my responsibility, as someone who can, to send them back, utilizing their only weakness...This!" He reached into the compartment and pulled out what looked like a spoon with tines.

"A spork," River said unimpressed, "You pulled that out at a convenient time."

"Well, I actually found it two minutes ago, but I decided to save it for a more dramatic reveal. Anyway, we're going to need a lot more than just one, so to the TARDIS attic! Or was it TARDIS basement. It's not like either of them are at the top or bottom anyway."

"Doctor, can't we just visit the Medusa Cascade? Or Disneyland Clom? Or anywhere else?!"

"Nah, this should be fun!" The Doctor tucked the utensil into his pocket, and headed down the corridor towards the attic/basement.  
>"Let's hunt some spork!"<p>

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><p><strong>This was originally intended to be a much shorter OneShot, with an OC and the Tenth Doctor, but the seed of that idea blossomed into an enormous tree before I could type it out, so this is Chapter 1 of a new series, I'll probably alternate between updating this and Elementary on weekends, unless I get enough time to do both. Pleas, please please leave an honest review, and PM me with any questionsplot ideas.  
>Special thanks to Mibamonster for the spork idea, and a special mention in Chapter 2 for whoever spots the most references in this one. Until next time then,<br>TwentyRings**


	2. Mistake-ten Identity

After a successful hour-long search, The Doctor and River Song returned to the TARDIS console room armed with about fifty Sporks between the two of them.

"So, I assume you can't use the same Spork twice," River said.

"No, you just sort of poke them with it, and both of them vanish. Sucked back into their own dimension," The Doctor replied.

"So, what exactly makes these Mary-Sues so dangerous?"

"Well, you see, while they don't exactly terrorize people, or anything, they have a huge arsenal of their own kind of weapons. Perception fields, hallucinogenic pheromones, hypnosis rays, the lot. The reason they are so dangerous is because they have a tendency to gravitate towards major points in time, causing important moments in history to be changed completely. Let me show you an example."

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><p>The Doctor led her to one of the large screens attached to the console, twiddled a knob and flicked a few switches. A video recording flickered onto the screen. It showed a rather familiar figure in a long tan overcoat staring confusedly at a large castle in the background.<p>

"Oh, that's one of you!" said River excitedly, " Eight... no Ten, right?"

"That's right. At the time, I had found a rather old invitation to a banquet in Edinburgh Castle from a Scottish Lord nearly five regenerations ago. I decided to just pop by to see how it turned out without me, but I had no idea that the TARDIS had been caught in a slipstream and had dimensionally shifted."**  
><strong>

**"Hang on, this place looks different from last time," **The Doctor on the screen was saying.

"I love the way you pretend there's someone to talk to, even when there isn't" River said with a smile.

"How would you know anyway?"

The smile grew wider. "Spoilers."

"**Ah, life forms**," continued the Tenth**, **strolling towards a group of people in black robes."**And human too, excellent!**"

He approached them and tapped the shoulder of a dark haired boy facing away from him. "**Don't mean to bother you, but could you tell me where I am exactly?**"

'**Oh, you're at Hogw-**" The boy had turned around and his hazel eyes widened with shock when he saw The Doctor's face."**Hang on- but that's not possible, you can't be-**" He swiftly pulled a wooden stick out of his pocket, and began shooting some kind of red light at the Doctor, who had already begun to run. "**It's Barty Crouch!**", the boy exclaimed, causing the others around him to follow suit. Suddenly, the screen went blank.**  
><strong>

"Now that's when one of those energy pulses hit the TARDIS camera, and the two didn't mix very well. Took me a week to get it repaired. But you get my point?"

"No, not really."

"Okay, so he may have been a bit paranoid. But then the TARDIS took me a few year in the future and I discreetly found out that he was a wizarding student named Harry Potter, he defeated an extremely dangerous Dark Lord, and that he really was a nice guy once you get past the violent tendencies," The Doctor's eyes were rather distant, as he showed her several images of a magnificent banquet hall, some black robed students in a classroom and an old man with a long white beard. "It was actually a pretty cool story, even if it did take a bit of time to hear it all."

"Still not getting it."

"Oh aren't you?" The Doctor grinned and pulled a lever, causing the temporal engines to whir. "Let me show you what became of him in one particular alternate..."

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><p><strong>Thanks for reading. Please please leave a review to tell me what you thought.<br>****TwentyRings**


	3. Leather Jackets and Pink Sweatshirts

Once again, the TARDIS materialized on Hogwarts grounds. However, everything looked slightly different. Small things, like the colour of the grass (more yellow) or the size of the lake (smaller).  
>The Doctor didn't exit however, he turned to River Song, "Just give me a moment. I should probably change first." He walked out of the console room and down one of the corridors.<p>

River frowned. The Doctor never bothered changing out of his tweed suit and bow-tie. He returned in a few minutes, looking absolutely ridiculous in a pair of baggy black pants, a baggy black t-shirt, and an extremely baggy black leather jacket. He paused, scratched his back, and then pulled off a clothes tag with a large number 9 on it. Rver was absolutely speechless for a few moments, and then she burst out laughing.

"You... you look like a punk! Please don't tell me that's eyeliner!"

"Well, I was hoping you would say 'goth', but punk might do the trick. Anyway, I'll have you know I looked very fetching in this about two hundred years back."  
>He pressed a few keys on the console, and a picture of a short haired man with a prominent nose and ears wearing the same outfit (minus the eyeliner) popped up on a nearby screen.<p>

"Well... that is quite nice. The ears are a bit funny though." Then she looked back at the current Doctor, and burst out laughing once again.

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><p>The Dr stroled out of the tardis and made his way towerd a group of goffs in blak t shirts and holy jeans, who were laughing at a prep in a pink swetshirt. River stroled behind him, still chrotling.<br>"Hey, u know its not nice to make fun of ppl" the dr was angy.  
>"Dr, wot's going on wif us?" river asked, turning pal.<br>"Its the sue, she must be nearbye"

Dr who taped on the sholder of one of da goffs. He terned around and it was...  
>"Hary Potter!" River was shoked. He had same face as the boy on the scren in the tardis, and glases, but with red streks in his hare, red eyes and his scar was a pentagram. the amount of eyeline'r made the dr look tame.<br>"mi name's not harry, its vampire potter. wats rong with u stupid prep!

"omg" river was shoked into silence(silence, geddit?). "dr how did the sue do this mcuh?"  
>"that's the thing. They dont have full mastry over r languages, and it spreads. some r worse than others." the dr replied, "see, u an me r already talking strange, its 1 of the first symtoms, but normally not so strong. must be a powerful sue, and i think its..her<br>He ponted at a goff girls. Sudenly his eyes glazed over and he said, "shes the 1 with long ebony black hair with purple streaks and red tips that reach her mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and she looks a bit like Amy Lee...Amy! Amelia!"

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><p>Suddenly the Doctor was alert. He reached into his pocket, and pulled out a plastic utensil and charged straight at the girl with ebony hair. Her droopy blue eyes immediately narrowed as she spotted the "weapon" in his hand, and she suddenly screamed, "oms! every1 hes not a goff hes just a poser!"<br>The entire group, minus the crying girl in the pink sweater, immediately ran at the Doctor, trying to stop him from getting any closer to the 'girl' they all adored. Even River, her eyes hazy, took a few half-hearted steps in the Doctor's direction before realizing what she was doing.

The Mary Sue's voice was just a hiss, but the Doctor had struggled his way close enough to be able to hear. "theres no way u can stop me...timelord!"

"Don't you understand? You're far too powerful for a human, or even wizard society! You get the whole school under your thumb and then what? What about this Dark Lord? Take a look at what you've done to the real Chosen One!" Vampire Potter had seized the Doctor's jacket with his teeth and was yanking at it.

The Sue smiled, "oh the schools just the beginig timelord. And we have temporal powres as u know. I know i will defeat the dork lord"

"Do you really? How far does this future knowledge of yours go? You are about to kill the Dark Lord, then the rest is undecided, still in flux. So do you _really_ know what will happen? You could die. I'm offering a way back home instead."

The alien hesitated, then snarled, "wat else cud happen? theres no way im going back. I am stayin, and u will die."

Suddenly, a blast echoed through the air, and everyone save the Doctor backed away, startled. River had just fired a bolt from her gun into the air.

"I'm sorry," the Doctor said quietly, looking the creature right in the icy blue eye, "But you just lost the luxury of choice."  
>He thrust out his arm, the Spork made contact with the Sue's shoulder, and both vanished in a sudden burst of white light and a shriek of fury.<p>

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><p>"What on earth..."<p>

"Merlin's pants, did I really.."

"What am I _wearing_?"

The Doctor coughed loudly, and everyone stopped talking to look at him. "Well, erm, I'm not very good at this, but you all have had a very traumatic experience. However, not to worry, since I've cleared up the temporal disruption, your timeline should slowly rejoin the Prime, and you really don't get what I'm saying, so just know everything will be back to normal in no time."

A girl whose hair was turning slowly from black to a natural bushy brown raised her hand, "Actually, I do have a grasp of basic temporal mechanics, thanks to the time turner I once had."

"A time turner eh?" The Doctor smiled. "You seem very interested in time travel, and intelligent too. How would you like to-"  
>River cut him off with a glare.<p>

"Well... never mind" The Doctor winked at the girl before leaving. "Perhaps some other time."

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><p>The Doctor held open the TARDIS door for River, and followed her in. No sooner had he shut the door when the question popped out of his mouth.<br>"So... wasn't that fun?"

River sighed. "Before I answer, _please_ change out of those clothes and promise me you will never, ever wear them again."

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><p><strong>AN: First Mary Sue vanquished! I know, it was Ebony from the infamous My Immortal. While I will try to use original Sues in most of the other chapters, this was an opportunity too good to pass. My Immortal is universally recognized as either reallybad!fic or troll!fic, making it fair game either way. Which universe should the Doctor and River visit next? Tell me in the comments, please!  
><strong>**TwentyRings  
><strong>**P.S: do u no how dificult it is to pul of writin like this intentionaly? it nerly gave me a hedache.**


	4. Heads will Fly

**A/N: Part two of my two-month Anniversary sort-of extravaganza. Yep, that's right, The Doctor and River are back! The setting of this chapter was suggested by both Moonfur ADV and tommyginger. Also, I have given all the previous chapters actual names, since that is more fun.**

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><p>"Mildly amusing" River said.<p>

"Extremely exhilarating." The Doctor replied.

"Fairly interesting."

"Breakneck exciting."

"Probably better than a prison cell."

"Far better than that picnic last week."

"Nope. And besides, it was last year for me."

"You always have to have the last word, don't you?"

"Yes. Should have realised that before you married me." River smiled, realising she had won. Again. "But, I'm keeping an open mind. Lets give it another go, somewhere different this time."

"I guess I should probably keep it a surprise in that case."

"Oh sweetie." She gave him a small kiss on the cheek. "I know things about you that you yourself don't know. I love you, and care for you deeply, but I don't think you could ever surprise me."

"Oh really?" He asked quietly. His hand moved into his pocket, and he felt the second sonic screwdriver he carried all the time. He had designed it by himself, but for the first time ever, not for himself. Physically it resembled his previous model, but it was far more advanced. He didn't want to give it to River ever, that would be signing her death warrant. But he knew he had to someday. And the worst part was, he didn't know when. He didn't know when the two of them would turn their diary pages together, and find that they had done all there was to do, save one last trip together. It could be in a hundred years. It could be the very next day.

"Sweetie, are you okay?" River was looking curiously at him.

"Oh, I'm the King of Okay. I was just thinking about where to pick up lunch."

"But it's the middle of the night here!"

"Yes I was talking about, er, midnight-lunch as opposed to noon-lunch. Either way, you may want to get changed. Think futuristic, space-y kind of outfit. The TARDIS should have plenty your size."

"See what I mean? So predictable."

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><p>Fifteen and a half minutes later, The Doctor and River Song were standing outside the TARDIS.<p>

He was wearing his usual tweed suit and bow-tie.

She was wearing high heeled boots, black shiny pants, a silver shiny shirt and a black shiny jacket. She had a silver belt round her waist, in which she had tucked in several fancy looking gadgets, including her pistol and squareness gun. She held a pair of silver shades in her hand.

They were standing on a large, open plain. The sky was cloudy, but a rich blue colour. The grass was golden. In the distance, a large group of horsemen could be seen riding away. Nearby was a still smoking mound of burnt corpses, with hideous bodies and leering faces.

River turned to the Doctor. The sun reflected off her shirt, causing her to resemble a giant light bulb. "I hate you."

The Doctor grinned. "No you don't."

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><p>Two horses were approaching them. They had not come from the large group they had seen earlier, but from the same general direction. The first horse was white in colour, upon it rode a fair faced man (probably) with pointed ears, and a much shorter fellow with a large brown beard. The second horse was ridden by a tired, weary looking man. However beneath that exterior there was still a hint of nobleness and dignity.<p>

So focused were the trio on the mound of bodies that they barely even noticed the Doctor and River. It was only a few seconds after they had passed that they must have realised what they had seen, as they suddenly checked their steeds and turned them round.

"Hello!", The Doctor called towards them, waving his arms excitedly. They horses cautiously trotted towards them, but the riders did not disembark.

* * *

><p>Aragorn looked down upon the strangely dressed man and the even more strangely dressed lady beside him.<br>"Who are you, and what is your business in the Riddermark?" he demanded in his most commanding voice, feeling a strange sense of irony.

"I'm the Doctor., and I'm... travelling. And this is my wife, River Song," the man replied.

"Oh, you had to say wife," River muttered to him. She had been doing nothing but stare at Aragorn since his arrival.

Aragorn smiled at her. "River Song. A beautiful name for a bea-" He took another look at her attire, "for a fascinating lady."

She glared furiously at the Doctor.

Aragorn turned his attention back to the Doctor. "My name is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. Tis a dangerous time for a healer to be wandering the wild plains of Rohan. However, since you and your lady are unarmed, I will trust you for now. I have urgent matters to deal with, but if I encounter you again I expect more information."

Him and his companions turned round once more, and rode towards the mound. The Doctor and River followed at a cautious pace, watching their actions carefully. They had disembarked from their steeds and were rooting frantically through the bodies. suddenly, the bearded one held something up. The Doctor couldn't make out what it was from the distance, but it seemed to infuriate the three of them, Aragorn in particular. He gave a yell that echoed across the plains and he furiously kicked a decapitated head as hard as it could.  
>River had to duck as it came flying towards her.<p>

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><p>Aragorn was on the brink of despair, when suddenly he saw something on the ground. His keen ranger senses of observation kicked in, and he was down on the ground before he knew it.<p>

"A hobbit lay here," he murmured under his breath, "And another...here."

He carefully followed the scuff marks their crawling had left, found the horse prints one very closely avoided, discovered the severed rope.

"Tracks lead away from the battle," he said, his hope and excitement growing, "And into Fangorn Forest."

"Oh, bravo!" The Doctor had returned. "You are brilliant, absolutely brilliant. You remind me of this friend I knew once, fantastic at observation and deduction and all that stuff. I really should pay him a visit sometime."

Aragorn actually smiled. "Ah, the mysterious Doctor. I see you did take the chance to escape I gave you."

"Why would I? Everything interesting is happening right here. I mean, what is there to do over there?" He gestured the empty plain behind him. As he did, some tumbleweed rolled past. "Wow, that was creepily convenient. Anyway, you haven't even introduced my to your friends."

"Of course." He pointed at the short bearded fellow. "This is Gimli, son of Gloin". He gestured towards the pointed eared man(?) with blond hair. "And this is Legolas of the Woodland Realm."

River frowned. "Hang on, you introduced Gimli as 'son of' but you didn't specify with Legolas. No offence, but I'm not quite certain myself."

Aragorn and Legolas both opened their mouths, but they were both cut off by a high melodious voice. "Don't worry. He is most definitely the son of Thranduil."

A woman had walked out of the forest. She too had pointed ears, but her hair was golden and her face was narrow. She wore a brown and green practical dress, she had a quiver and bow strapped across her back and a narrow sword sheathed at her side. She smiled at Legolas.  
>"Hello, brother."<p>

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><p><strong>AN: I base the setting of the adventure based on what I know best, for Harry Potter it's the books, and for Lord of the Rings it's the movies. (I have read the books several times, but I'm still more familiar with the movies). Anyway, I hope you enjoyed. I wrote all this in one sitting, and it is the longest chapter yet. How cool is that? Leave a review, and I will reply to it, provided it isn't anonymous. I still welcome anonymous reviews, I just can't reply to them.  
>TwentyRings<strong>


	5. Jealous Much?

**A/N: New chapters for both my stories! Huzzah! I'm an evil, evil person, who probably subconsciously introduced the concept of writing in varying degrees of Sue-speak simply because I'm too lazy to spell check. I do know how Warg is spelt.**

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><p>Aragorn's eyebrows shot straight up He stared at the strange woman for a long moment, then tore his eyes away from her and reluctanlty turned to Legolas<br>"I don't remember you mentioning a sister."

"How could I not have mentioned her? My people consider my sister to be more fair than the living land of the Greenwood, and above all the jewels that lie beneath the earth."

"Quote stealer" Gimli muttered.

Aragorn beamed, "Of course, how could I forget about the beautiful..."

Legola's sister smiled "Lorielai"

Aragorn's smile grew wider. "Lorielai. A beautiful name for a beautiful lady." He strolled forth and kissed her hand gently.

"Alright, that does it!" River was furios. She marched over to Gimli. "Do you ever, ever remember _him_" She pointed at Legolas, "Mentioning _her_" she pointed at Lorelai "even once?"

Gimli frowned. "Nay, I do not actually."

Legolas was angry now, "How could you not remember my sister, whom I have mentioned even more times than you do your stomach?"

Gimli drew himself up to full height, looked Legolas straight in the shoulder and growled, "I suggest you take that this instant back, elf!"

"Don't 'elf' me, Dwarf!"

"Okay, that's enough of all that." The Doctor steped between the fighting duo. "You say you do remember, you say you don't, let's just agree to disagree, and River-" He made a stabbing gesture, and jerked his head in Lorielai's direction. She was sitting on the grass beside Aragorn, and laughing at something he had said. River nodded, grimly.

She slowly pulled one of several sporks out of her belt, and edged carefully towards the elf, who was now listening open mouthed to Aragorn's tale of his fight with twenty worgs. He somehow neglected to mention that it was actually twenty fights with one worg each time, but that obviously was'nt important.

River raised her fist with the spork in it, but as she did so the sunlight hit her sleeve and reflected into Aragorn's eyes, causing him to blink and look up. "What are you doing, Daughter of Song?" he asked.

"Oh, er... I was just going to ask Lorielai if she wanted something to eat. This white thing is for eating with. Very popular where I'm from."

Lorielai smiled. "Nay, I do not require such a tool. We are in the wild, we therefor eat lembas with our hands."

"You are very wise my lady" said Aragorn.

"Wait, hang on," The Doctor came up to Aragorn, who looked confused.  
>"What do you wish me to hang on to?" he asked.<p>

"Oh that's funny, very funny. Anachronistic phrases, always good for a laugh." The Doctor wasn't laughing. "Weren't we heading into the Forest to look for some friends of yours?"

"That is indeed true. We must not abandon Pippin and Sam."

"Don't you mean Pippin and Merry?" asked Gimli with a snort.

"Yes, thats what I said." Replied Aragorn. He looked at Lorielai. "I am afraid we must part ways, this is no place for a lady."  
>River coughed loudly. Aragorn did not seem to hear as he continued. "Take my horse, and go whither you will with my heart."<br>River mimed vomiting. Gimli chuckled, Legolas glared at them.

Lorielai smiled (again). "Fear not, I am capable of defending myself." She pulled out her bow, and faster than you can say "Oliver Barton Everdeen" she had shot four arrows into a nearby tree in an 'L' shape. A rumbling noise came from the tree, and it swung a branch at her. To River's disappointment, she ducked and the branch knocked over Gimli.  
>Aragorn clapped, Gimli groaned as he rose and Legolas smiled and said, "You always were the better archar, were you not?"<p>

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><p>As the group of 6 make their way through the forest, River walked behind with the Doctor.<p>

"I completely agree with you. These Sues are evil." River muttered.

"Jealous much?" he asked. "It's _probably_ affecting you too. I can't be too sure, you might not need any help for that."

She glared, but continued. "It seems rather differrent from the last one though, don't you think?"

"It is actually. That one had far, far more raw power, but this one is clearly more skilled."

"How can you tell?"

"Look at the three of them. One looks and sees a sister he's spent his whole, very long life with. That takes up nearly all she has, and what's left goes into charming Aragorn."

"That doesn't require much does it? What about the short one? He doesn't seem to know, or care forher"

"That's the brilliance of it. She can't use him, so she doesn't try. Instead he can be the one who doubts her, making the other two defend her even more."

They moved on some more. Gimli found orc blood on some leafs.

* * *

><p>"Stop!" Aragorn called from the front of the group after a while.<br>He frowned for the first time in over an hour, having had nothing but a goofy grin on his face since Lorielai had started holding his hand.  
>"I hear someone crying"<p>

Sure enough, the sound of someone weeping could be heard from behind a nearby tree.

"Careful, it could be a trap of Saruman's" said Gilmi.

The group slowly moved around the tree. A young woman was huddled up, head in knees, crying. Though everyone else did not, the Doctor and River realised what she was wearing: black jeans, and a purple T-shirt with the logo of a popular 21st century earth band on it.

The woman, who couldn't be any older than 20, stood up as they approached. She looked directly at Aragorn and no one else as she said, "Hello, my name is Emily Jade Merryweather. I was at home, and I dont know ho I got here. Please helpme!" She proptly swooned into Aragorns arms, causing him to look around helplessly.

"Oh no" River muttrd. Now there are 2 of them."

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><p><strong>AN: Review. Now. (Please)  
>TwentyRings<strong>


	6. Sensitivity Issues

**A/N: I really can't think of anything to say. How necessary is this note at the beginning? Oh, wait-I realised that I missed a chance to end off the last chapter with a Star Wars reference. Not being a criminal, I will fix that soon.**

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><p>"I was just...just reading this fabulos book when sudenly there was this sucky blue swirly thing, and when I say sucky I mean it sucked me in and it wasnt lame kind of sucky, but it actually was that too since..."<p>

Emily Jade Merryweather's story seemed endless. However anytime someone tried to stop her Aragorn would glare at them in his authoritatrion manner, since he was a natural leader, and incredibly stern when necesary. The angriest person of the entire group, seemed to be Lorielai. Of all of them, she was glaring at Emily Jade Merryweather with the most ferocity... or was it actualy annoyance.

She suddenly strode forward, grabbed Emily Jade Merryweather by the arm and dragged her to a nearby corpse of trees. When Aragorn tried to follow, Lorielai glared at him, causing him to cower and back down, since as a natural leader he also knew when to let others take charge.

The Doctor slowly pulled out his sonic screwdriver and pointed at the trees where a hispered conversation was being initiated. Into the screwiver he plugged in a pair of earphones, and handed one to River.

"New feature I've been wanting to try." he whispered. She put the headphone in her ear, and she could hear Lorielai's and Emily Jade Merryweather's conversation clearly.

"-already got him, u can have the girly one." Lorielai was saying.

"no, why dont u take him." Emily Jade Merryweather replied.

"it would be wierd and difficult to unconvince him about who i am"

"what about the short one? or that weird one?"

'ew and double ew. Why are you even here? I said i would be here and youre always ruining things for me. This universe has probably the largest selection of times to rule, but you have always got to follow me around everywhere, havent you."

"fine, pretty boy is mine then."

As the dueo reapproached the group, the Doctor nudged River, "Do you think 'pretty boy' is me?"

She looked at him hard. "No."

"So there's no circumstance whatsoever in which _you_ would refer to me as 'pretty boy'?"

"Nope."

"Want to bet?"

"Fine. But other regenerations don't count."

"And... I retract aforementioned bet offer."

"Thought as much. Who did I call 'Pretty Boy' then? Seven? Ten?"

"Just stop. Please."

"It is Ten, isn't it? Oh, I am looking forward to that."

"Are you? Anyway, look, evil Sues are back."

Lorielai strolled towords Aragorn and put her arm around his. He smiled, and held out the other arm for Emily Jade Merryweather but she hawtily ignored him and went over to Legolas and into his pointy elfin ear she whisperd in a voice everyone could hear, "Im secretly very very depresed and lonely." Then she began sobbing into his shoulder.

Legolas's resulting expresion made Aragorn's smile look as bad as Gimli's scowl. Not nearly as bad as Rivers though.

* * *

><p>"This forest is old. Very old." said Legolas in his deepest voice.<p>

"Oh, tell me more." said Emily Jade Merryweather with a sigh

"Wait, hang on. Everyone stop." The Doctor had his earphones in and was pointing his screwdriver somewhere to the left of their path. "Anomalous sonic patterns."

Gimli sighed. "And what exactly does that mean?"

"Funny voices. On the count of three, no, five we see what's behind those trees. One, tw-"

Everyone had already gone. "Ah well. Geronimo."

* * *

><p>"The Doctor blinked. "Well, it would seem that the other side is a big white light. And that was unintentionally philosophical."<p>

A deep voice which made all other deep voices feel inadequate boomed out from the centre of the light.

**"You are on the trail of two young Hobbits. They crossed the River Isen-wait, why are there so many of you? Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, please move aside so I can see who everyone else is."**

"Were not affected by your witchcraft, Saruman!" shouted Aragorn defiently. "I am brave and strong and noone has any kind of power over me!"

"Actually, I think thats Gandalf." said Lorielai.

"Of course he is . Youre abolutly right." said Aragorn.

"Are you sure?" asked Gimli. "That big bright light would seem to be more White than Gray. And Gandalf died."

Lorielai gave an impaient sigh. "No, he isnt. I looked at the timeli-I mean I have really good eyesight."

"She does." chimed in Aragorn.

**"What are you babbling on about? Of course it's me, look." **The white light dimmed, and before them stood an old bearded man garbed in white robes and bearing a white staff. "It is I, Gandalf the White."

"Whew, very nice, incredibly subtle." said the Doctor. "But wait... no it can't be, could it be... Olórin, is that you?"

"That device in your hand... Doctor, is that you? Have you regenerated since we last met, old friend?"

"Oh, half a dozen times at least old friend. But you're one to talk. Picking up a few tricks from me, eh?"

Gimli frowned. "You do seem to have quite a few old friends Gandalf. Saruman, Bilbo, that bald fellow... now him too?"

"One day you may also join that list son of Gloin. But don't hold your breath.". Gandalf turned back to the Doctor. "So these ladies are your companions then? I can tell that you're getting older, they seem to be getting much younger. Speaking of which, that is an impressive outfit." he added, looking at River. The faintest of pink tinges appeared on her cheeks.

The Doctor smiled,"Oh, only River Song here is my companion. And by companion I mean wife. As for the other two..." he walked forward and had a whispered conversation with Gandalf, whose eyebrows shot straight up.

"Now those are eyebrows." said River, impressed.

"Aye, your lad's seem to be little more than a shadow." said Gimli with a smirk.

River glared at him. "They're sensitive."

Gandalf had finished his conversation, and he strode up to Aragorn.

"Tell me Aragorn, between us, what do you think of Legolas's 'sister'?"

"Oh, Lorielai is absolutely amazing, shes buetiful, she has amazing eyes, she is so talented, she has an amazing name, she-"

Gandalf held up a hand. "Enough." he said sharply. "Please, no more. Please."

The Doctor gave an ironic smile. "Proof enough? So what do we do?"

Gandalf turned gravely towards him. "We ride."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: The original title of this chapter was to be "A Sue on the arm is worth two in the copse", but it is inexplicably too long. Other news:**

**First of all, this arc should conclude in a chapter. Maybe two, max. Secondly, I've made a poll! Rejoice! Basically I want you to vote on whether I should write a summary before every chapter. Yes, I just wanted to make a poll. Thirdly, and infinitely more importantly, review. Now. Or later. Or now, later, and in between as well. TwentyRings, out.**


	7. The Gathering of the Flames

**A/N: I was going to write this yesterday. But I had writer's block, which is my code for 'I felt lazy'. Also, you will hate this chapter.**

**Mini update: This is for the one who calls himself my fan, AKA 'Your Fan' AKA "SillySlySy' unless he has a twin identical in personality. First off, I hope this update kicks in before you reach this chapter. Second off, I like LessWrong. Even if he is stuck up. Thirdly, yeah, you hit the nail on the with the Parody Sue thing. Honestly, my real concern is all those 'Harry Sue' stories that are cropping up. Third of all, you do actually have the right to call me kid...barely. Fourthly, citing the source of an idea doesn't qualify as propaganda. Even if the source happens to be a friend. Fifthly and finally, keep up the reviews.**

**So far my poll has two votes, one for 'No' and the other for 'What kind of a poll is this?' One of them may have been my own test vote. However, I'm writing a sample summary of the story so far:**

**Story so far: The Doctor and his merry wife are taking a tour of New Zealand, with the likes of Will Turner and Magneto (who is an 'old friend' of the Doctor's). There are currently two evil Sues present, one of whom is annoyed at the other. Overprotective heroic male characters make it difficult for them to be Sporked. Gandalf said, "We ride."**

**And now, we continue from the final scene of the last chapter. Kindly visualize three horses streaking across an empty plain, and conjure up some epic music in your head. Preferably 'The King of the Golden Hall', AKA Awesome Rohan violin music.**

* * *

><p>"Well, this is uncomfortable." Gimli muttered as the horses trotted across the empty plain.<p>

Gandalf had insisted that neither Aragorn nor Legolas should ride with either of the 'newcomers'. It was a good idea, the Doctor had heard the word 'elope' come up several times in the murmured conversations between the heroes and their newfound beloveds. Unfortunately, it wasn't easy for Gandalf to persuade them, he had to use his Saruman voice and call in all of his favours.

It had worked, but that just opened up a whole new argument between the man and elf as to who go to generously give their horse to the 'fairest of ladies'. Aragorn's gesture towards 'the fairest of ladies' somehow skipped over River Song.

Weapons were close to being drawn, and Gandalf was forced to intervene. And that is how Lorielai, Emily Jade Merryweather and River Song found themselves astride Shadowfax, while Aragorn and Gimli rode Arod, and the Doctor, Gandalf and Legolas rode upon Hasufel.

The reason for the extremely slow progress was simple. Despite Gandalf's protests, Aragorn and Legolas insisted on holding hands with Lorielai and Emily Jade Merryweather, respectively. This meant all three horses had to move slowly together in a horizontal line.

* * *

><p>Gandalf was grumpy. So grumpy that he was muttering under his breath about he should have spent a bit more time in that amazing Void, leaving Middle Earth to deal with its own issues.<p>

The Doctor tried cheering him up. "So, how's Saruman doing?"

Gandalf's scowl deepened. "He betrayed us and attempted to kill me. He is now preparing a massive army to destroy the world of men."

"Oh. And, erm... do I dare ask about Radagast?"

"He's taken refuge in Rhosgobel, he's doing fine but doesn't venture out unless totally necessary."

"Ah, Radagast. Remember that time he had eaten too many of those mushrooms, and I had to impersonate him at the Maiar council?"

The faintest of smiles began to form on Gandalf's face. "The moment you put on that beard... the resemblance was uncanny. And I never found out, did you use real-"

"No, no, it was just paint."

Reminiscing about the good ol' days let the time fly for the Doctor and Gandalf. The same coulnt be said for River, cramed between Lorielai and Emily Jade Merryweather, whose breatless, dreamy conservations with their beloveds were punctuateded only with barbs directed at River's fashion choices.

The sight of Edoras looming before them couldnt have been more welcoming.

* * *

><p>"You could find more cheer in a graveyard." said Gimli as they passed through the silent streets on their way to the Golden Hall.<p>

"Depends on what kind of graveyard you're talking about," replied the Doctor, "For instance, on Belfinuvas 3, funerals take place-" River silenced him with a glare.

They reached the entrance to Meduseld, where a guardsman stopped them.

"I cannot allow you and your companions before the King so armed, Gandalf Grayhame." he told them.

The Doctor was irritated. "What do you mean him and his companions? If anything, he's my companion!"

Gandalf gave a smug smile. "And that, old friend, is one of the disadvantages of having a younger face." He turned back to the guard. "Under whose orders, Hama?

"By order of Grima Wormtongue."

River shuddered. "Just that name is enough to tell you that he's a nasty piece of work."

Hama looked curiously at her. "Grima Wormtongue is the adviser to the King and one of the most important men in the realm." He looked around carefully before continuing. "However, I do not say that you are wrong. Your weapons please."

Gandalf placed Glamdring on the ground. River and the Doctor were allowed through without losing anything, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli had to be persuaded quite a lot before giving up their weapons. Lorielai placed her bow and arrows on the ground, then touched Hama gently on the arm.

"Could I please keep my knife? it was a gift for my motherr and I never go anywhere without it." She looked him in the eyes, and he relented

Emily Jade Merryweather walked up and pulled a black rectagle out of her pocket. "this is a mobile phone!" she said lodly, waving it in Hama's face. "Its from the future and it isnt a weopan!"

"Fine, fine." said Hama. His eyes fell upon Gandalf's staff which still rested in the wizard's hand.

Gandalf's mouth opened. "You would not part an old-"

Hama cut him off. "Forget it. Just go, please."

* * *

><p>The Golden Hall was not quite as golden on the inside as one might imagine. It was actually a very plain structure as far as throne rooms went, the docorations were no more than a few sparse tapestries and the throne itself. Upon it sat a wizend old man, his eyes dull and his beard grey and ungroomed. On a smaller chair beside him sat a man with oily skin and black robes, his eyes shining with hidden malice.<p>

"The courtesy of your Hall is somewhat lessened of late, Theoden King!" Gandalf called out as he strode towards him.

"Why... should I... welcome you, Gandalf Stormcrow?" asked the King in a weary voice

"Stormcrow, that's actually rather good," said the Doctor with a grin. "But it doesn't seem like it's coming from you does, it? More like a malevolent entity taking hold of your body, using a mutual associate as an anchor." He reached into his pocket for his sonic screwdriver when Gandalf glared at him.

"Sorry," the Doctor said, abashed. "Your moment, not mine. Force of habit."

"Late is the hour in which this conjurer chooses to appear." Grima said in sneering voice. "Lathspell I name him. And ill news is an ill guest as they say."

"Silence! Keep your forked tongue behind your teeth." snapped Gandalf. He pulled out his staff from under his cloak. "I have not passed through fire and death to bandy crooked words with a witless worm!"

River gave an involuntary cheer. Emily Jade Merryweather nuged Legolas's sholder. "Wat does witless mean"

Grima's eyes widened with fear. "His staff, I told you to take the wizard's staff! Guards!"

A massive brawl was due to break out, when suddenly a voice rang out.

"whats going on in here?" Someone else had entered the room. SHe wore a white gown with a golden girdle and her beatiful golden hair fell down her sholders like a waterfall of melted gold. Her blue eyes widend with joy. "aragorn is that you?!"

Eowyn, daughter of Eomund had entered the fray. And something was very, very wrong.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Do you hate me? Yes or no, tell me in a review.  
>Next time, hopefully the finale to this particular story arc, leaving us free to visit other places. Suggestions are very welcome.<br>****TwentyRings**


	8. Punch Club

**A/N: And here it is, the finale to the Lord of the Rings Story arc, which has really gone on far longer than it should have, considering I have half a dozen other Universes already planned, most of which will only take up a single chapter.**

**I made a few adjustments to the previous chapter to match the movie dialog better.**

**Strong recommendation: Catch up on the movie scene where Gandalf confronts Theoden, if you haven't got easy access to Two Towers, then just search 'Gandalf cures Theoden' on YouTube. **

**I have decided that polls suck and I'm gonna give a 'Previously on Sporks and Wives' section anyways.**

**(Imagine this part in Majel Barrett's Star Trek voice please)**

**Last time on Sporks and Wives: The Sue Hunt  
>The Doctor was overshadowed by some old dude, Hama gave us his honest opinion, eowyn is actin strang.<br>Oh, and a major brawl is about to break out.**

* * *

><p>A major brawl broke out. It would later become the stuff of legend, and 'The Major Brawl' would be sung by many a bard (a bard, not <em>the<em> Bard of Laketown) over the decades in the Golden Hall.

However, the exact details were a bit vague. The Rohirrim Royal Guards were the best of the best and armed heavily, Aragorn and Co. had spent the last three days running the Tour de Rohan, had left all their weapons at the door and their greatest asset, Gandalf, was busy moving super slowly towards the possessed Theoden.

The Rohirrim Royal Guards did not stand a chance.

At leat not under normel conditions.

Lorielai was punching anything and everyting she could in the face, including Aragorn who refused to leav her side.

Aragorn was punching anything Lorielai punched, including himself.

Legolas was tryin to punch backward over his sholder, several times, before turning and finding noone was behind him.

Gimli was punching everyone's sholders.

Emily Jade Merryweather had swiped the Dr's earphones and sat to the side, her head bobing to the toons from her phone.

The Doctor, River in his wake had rushed quickly towards Eowyn, who had just entered. He had recognized all the signs:  
>-The awful, awful command of the Common Tongue<br>-The malicious yet lustful glare directed at Aragorn  
>-The rapidly changing eye colour, from emerald green to ocean blue to chocolate brown to 'limpid tear' all in a matter of seconds.<p>

He pulled out his sonic screwdriver and pointed in her direction, and examined it. He gave an ironic smile.  
>"Looks like a malevolent entity possessing a body. Isn't that right?"<p>

eowyn turned away from The Brawl and looked at him. "i have no idea Who (gedit?) u are or waht ure talkin about Dr." she said with a smil.

"Only one Sue I know powerful enough to fully control an entire person, yet idiotic enough to say that." said the Doctor. "Not so nice meeting you again, Ebony. Goodbye."

His hand twirled round and a Spork flew out from his sleeve and onto the floor. "Oh, come on! I spent ages practising that!"

River sighed, picked up the Spork and proded Eowyn's shoulder with it. Nuthin happened to Eowyn.

She began to laugh scornfully.

* * *

><p>Against all odds, Gandalf had made it to the throne without a scratch.<br>"Theoden son of Thengel, too long have you sat in the shadows!"

Gandalf held out his hand. "Harken to me! I release you from this spell!"

Nothing happened to Theoden. He began to laugh slowly, but was interrupted by a shriek from behind.

Eowyn's head was thrown back, her eyes shone brilliantly and a black mist rose out of her body.

The Doctor turned round and looked incredulously at Gandalf. "_How_ did you do that?"

He shrugged.

Meanwhile, River had chosen not to get distracted. She quickly flung the Spork in her hand at the hovering black mist, and her incredible aiming skillz guided it straight into the centre of the dark cloud, causing it to vanish with a flash.

* * *

><p>At least, that's what would have happened if Gandalf's shrug hadn't caused his grey rags to fall off, revealing the incredibly bright white robes underneath.<p>

The incredibly bright white robes which caused everybody (Except Emily Jade Merryweather, who had fallen asleep) to flinch back, including River, whose aim was completely thrown off.

The following events happened in a very narrow timeframe:

- Eowyn, free of possesion began to fall to the ground, unconcious.

- Gandalf raised his staff, causing Theoden to slam back into his throne.

- The Spork flying through the air missed the black mist and bounced of the back wall, changing its trajectory.

- Halfway through falling, Eowyn regained conciousness and realised no one was catching her, so she held out her arms to break the fall.

- The Doctor, who had already calculated exactly where the Spork would end up, began running hastily to the other end of the Hall.

- Gandalf said, "I will draw you Saruman, as poison is drawn from a wound!" causing Theoden to snarl furiously.

- The black mist began to shoot towards River Song.

- The Spork made contact with Lorielai's back, and she vanished with a flash.

- Aragorn gave a shout of fury, and began to run to punch whoever was nearby, in this case Gimli.

- Eowyn stood up, looked around, then sat down on the floor.

- The black mist entered River Song, and her eyes began to glow.

- Emily Jade Merryweather woke up.

* * *

><p>Theoden had been cured, (most of) his wispy hair and (a few of) his wrinkles were vanishing. He began to slump forward, but stopped when he realised no one was catching him.<p>

However, the trubble was just begininng.

Lorielai had vanished, and Aragorn was in a fury. He pounded left and right through the Rohirrim Mooks, and was approaching closer and closer to Legolas, who was just standing in a daze.

The Doctor struggled to reach him through the crowd, and by the time he did he realised he was facing one of the strongest men in Middle Earth midway through a murderous rampage without the slightest hint of a plan.

So he punched him.

In the face.

His fist bounced off, and he was left clutching his hand in pain, as Aragorn turned menacingly towards him.

* * *

><p>River Song had a problem.<p>

She couldn't feel her fingers. Or any other part of her body for that matter.

A sickly sweet voice floated through her head.

_[wel, this doesnt feel nice does it]_

River was stunned for a moment, then she focused hard on a response.

_[Wait, I can seriously communicate with you like this? I thought that only happened in stories. I mean, I can hear your voice and everything!]_

_[thats not the point, the point is that i have ure body, and theres nothing u can do about it]_

_[There's not much you can do about it either, is there?]_

_[wat r u talking about]_

_[If telepathic conversation abilities is the way we're going, you've probably got access to all my memories as well, haven't you?]_

_[so wat?]_

_[Take a look at the last few hours.]_

Ebony did, and by the time she was done, tears were rolling down the possessed body's cheeks.

* * *

><p>Eowyn was feeling woozy. She had very recently had an unpleasant experience involving some ill mannered spirit taking hold of her body, utilizing her to very unsubtly manipulate the King to her own wishes. It hadn't been working, partially due to the spirit's ineptitude ('we shud totaly take all the girls and old guys and make <em>tehm <em>atack isengard alon'), and partially due to the fact that the King was being manipulated already on a different front, by that snake-tongued Grima.

And Eowyn, trapped in her own mind, was powerless to stop either of them as her beloved uncle withered before her, and her noble brother was banished. (Actually the banishment was kind of a relief, the spirit _really _couldn't grasp the concept of 'brother', particularly when said brother was very handsome. Interactions had been... awkward to say the least.)

Despite the fact that she had recovered, courtesy of Gandalf in some fancy new robes, the encounter had sapped her of all her energy.

She would need about a minute to recover.

* * *

><p>The Doctor had made a mistake. He had thrown a punch no sane man would dare throw to a man who was not, at the moment, sane...<p>

To make things even better, his mind was now wandering on a tangent.

Fortunately, a certain dwarf with the eyes of a fox and the ears of a hawk... or something like that, was less distracted than he.

Gimli trusted this Doctor, he wasn't really sure why. What he did know was that there was something wrong with both Aragorn and Leoglas, and as the last sane man (dwarf), it was his duty to stop it.

So he punched Aragorn.

Not in the face though, somewhere... lower.

Far lower.

* * *

><p><em>[i... i dont understand how somone coud sufer so much (snif)]<em>

_[Yes, it's terrible isn't it? So my point is, what use could I possibly be to you?]_

River was relieved that feelings couldn't be seen by Ebony, otherwise she would be seeing all the dryness and faintest tinge of humour River was experiencing.

_[i mean, that aweful man went and triked you into wearing that nitemare of a dres, then every1 made fun of you and ignores you, and you had to ride a horse! (sobb)]_

_[Every day of my life is a nightmare. I live in a prison, I grew up in a military camp, I was trained to kill the man I love, each time we meet he knows me less and less...]_

River didn't have to pretend anymore, she was downright miserable.

* * *

><p>"Gimli." the Doctor said solemnly. "That was possibly the most important punch in Middle Earth's history."<p>

Aragorn was in pain. It took him nearly a minute to get back onto his feet, and by the time he had his head was clear. Even as he got up, his eyes connected with a different person unsteadily getting to her feet all the way across the Hall. He recognized Eowyn, dauhgter of Eomund, he knew her reputation, and he formulated a plan. He apologized to the Doctor and Gimli, waited for a return apology, then sighed when he didn't get it.

His plan was simple: get rid of Emily Jade Merryweather, who had been ogling him ever since she woke up and realised Lorielai had vanished.

Step one was even simpler. He stepped up behind the dazed Legolas and hit him on the head. Hard.

Step two was a bit more difficult. He struggled to make his way through the crowded Hall, and finally he managed to tap Eowyn's shoulder.

"I am aware that we just met, and this may seem insane, but here's a... whatever this is." He held out a Spork he had pulled out of the Doctor's pocket. "We need it to defeat _her_," he jerked his head towards Emily Jade Merryweather who was advancing with a gleam in her eye, "who seems to be a shape shifting enchantress of some kind, akin to the one that possessed you."

Eowyn looked at the piece of plastic and her hand and shrugged. "Why not? It seems to be that kind of day."

* * *

><p>Gandalf was exhausted, it had taken much of his strength to drive Saruman's curse out of Theoden. The King himself was too busy glaring furiously at Wormtongue to notice the panting wizard leaning heavily on his staff, practically about to fall over.<p>

Just as Gandalf considered slipping off and finding a bed, or really any flat surface short of the floor, he felt a tap on his shoulder.

The Doctor's face was apologetic. "We... may need your help with something." He pointed his thumb towards River.

Gandalf groaned.

* * *

><p><em>[So, maybe it would be in everyone's best interests if you left my body, wouldn't it?]<em>

_[hang on for 1 momant, how dod u even get here frm where we met b4? is that a time travell machine? and do u know how 2 controll it]_

_[That doesn't matter, remember how miserable my life is?]_

_[no, ure just tryin to hide this frm me. i could go anywher and rule anything in this... tardes.]_

_[And how exactly would you even go about that?]_

_[first, i will haveto get rid of this dr]_

* * *

><p>Emily Jade Merryweather advanced towards Aragorn, when she was suddenly stopped in her tracks. A Spork was being held right in front of her neck, mere millimeters away from touching her skin. Eowyn gave a deadly smile.<p>

"What exactly are your intentions towards this realm?"

"i dunno arwen, i just appearred here-"

The Spork came even closer.

"First off, it's Eowyn. I'll give you one more chance."

"well, u know, i-" suddenly Emily Jade Merryweather's fist came flying at Eown's face, she attempted to duck, but the prolonged possession had left her in a weakened state. Sprawled on the floor, she could hear Emily Jade Merryweather laughing above her. "ok, Ill tell you. Im going to take over middle earth with aragorn, and then, Im gonna make sure gondor here is burnt to the ground, since you seem to love it so much."

Eowyn stood up, and she brushed herself off. "You will not. First of all, I will allow you to. And second of all, this isn't Gondor."

"THIS!"

"IS!"

"ROHAN!"

Lightning fast, her hand shot out and stabbed Emily Jade Merryweather with the Spork.

In the face.

As the Sue vanished with a flash, Eowyn smiled. "I really should remember that move."

* * *

><p>"Harken to me. I release you from this spell." said Gandalf, waving his hand in River's general direction. She shrieked, and began collapsing as the black mist rose out of her.<p>

This time, the Doctor was prepared. He nudged Gimli, and then rushed forward to catch River before she hit the ground. As he did so, a rain of Sporks fell onto them both. In the interest of not missing, Gimli had thrown about a dozen in the general direction of the mist.

It had worked. Ebony was gone.

Meanwhile, Gandalf had fallen to the ground and was snoring gently.

* * *

><p>One feast later, Aragorn turned round and noticed the Doctor and River were no longer among them. Come to think of it, he was sure he hadn't even sit down with the rest of them. In fact, he wasn't even sure who this 'Doctor' was.<p>

As the timeline continued correcting itself, Aragorn and the rest forgot most of the whole incident.

He turned to Theoden. "Did I mention that Saruman is planning a massive attack on Rohan?"

"WHAT?"

* * *

><p>The Doctor put River gently down on the control chair of the TARDIS console room, and her eyes opened. "Hello, sweetie." she said weakly.<p>

The Doctor smiled back. "You know, I find it hard to believe you were unconscious all this time."

"You caught me. Actually, I've always wanted you to carry me into the TARDIS, and this seemed like the ideal opportunity."

"Ah well. Secretly I've always wanted to carry you into the TARDIS, except I haven't really."

He spun round and pulled a lever on the console. The engines began to hum.

"So, where to next?"

* * *

><p>Meduseld was dark, everyone had long since left it.<p>

Nearly everyone.

Legolas opened his eyes. So black was the night it didn't make much of a difference. His head was throbbing.

He heard the faintest of noises coming from a corner, so he got to his feet and cautiously approached the source.

He then tripped over Gandalf's sleeping form and crashed to the ground.

* * *

><p><strong>Woah. First off, I'm sorry this took so long. Secondly, I'm sorry if it's a bit chaotic. Thirdly, I really don't feel like proofreading again, so excuse any typos that aren't intnetional.<br>Fourthly, this is long. Very very long, and any sane person would split it into two chapters. I should've, it's not like there were a shortage of cliffhanger moments. Thing is, much as I enjoy it I didn't want to spend yet another chapter in the LotR universe. I wrote it in at least half a dozen sittings.  
>Fifthly, don't expect anything for some time. I'm crazy busy, but I advise you to keep my stories on alert cos you never know.<br>Lastly, I'd love some reviews.  
>TwentyRings<strong>


	9. Baker's Eleven

**A/N: I'm back! Again.  
>You do remember me, right?<br>Anyway, lovely to be back to writing this story, as of this moment (as I'm typing) it's been exactly one month since I finished the LotR arc of this story, and it's been on hiatus ever since. I was busy with things and stuff.  
>Important things and compulsory stuff.<strong>

**This chapter's going to be short, light, and not going to be the start of another arc. I'm waiting a while before starting another one of those, because, whew, they're like black hole vortex things that suck you in and never let go till you finish writing them.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

><p>"Behold!" The Doctor triumphantly held out a silvery plastic cuboid with flashing red lights and a motionless mini satellite dish. "Hmm, that should be spinning," he muttered under his breath, giving it an experimental poke.<p>

"Let me guess. It's a device for detecting Sues." said River.

The Doctor glared at her. "Not only that. It can act as a portable microwave, and, erm... the dish spins, okay?" He poked it harder. Nothing happened. He gave a small cough and continued.

"Anyway, the beauty of this little device is that I can connect it to the TARDIS console to take us where we want to go, and then take it with us to track down the location of aforementioned timorous beastie."

He plugged it in, pressed a button, threw a few switches. A faint ding was heard and the TARDIS engines started.

River checked a nearby monitor screen. "London, early 21st century." she said. "All of time and space, and you always seem to end up here."

* * *

><p>The hands picked up the small cup, and a careful measure of the tea was sipped. He put it down and spoke to the woman sitting opposite him.<p>

"You say you were her... sister?"

The woman in red replied in a high pitched, nearly nervous voice. "is that weird for you? because we were actualy... cousins."

"Really? You said sisters earlier."

"i meant we was like sisters."

"_Were_ like sisters." he corrected idly.

The door to the living room opened and another man entered. The man sitting in the armchair looked up and gave a faint smile. "Ah, Doctor, excellent to see you. This is my latest client, Susanne... Innocence Adler. Miss Adler, this is my good friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson."

* * *

><p>"Sherlock Holmes," said the Doctor as he crossed the street, River in his wake, "is a Multiverse-hopper's field day. He quite possibly exists in more forms across the Universes than any other individual across time and space. In most he's a detective living in Victorian London, in ours he is nothing more than a figment of the mind of one Arthur Conan Doyle, possibly inspired by our mutual friend Madame Vastra."<p>

"So why are we, once again, in the 2010s?" asked River.

"Well, this is where it gets interesting. You see, in this particular Universe, his entire timeline is shifted by about a century into the future, including his entire ancestry and those of his close acquaintances."

"So you've met him before?"

"Yeah, I have actually. Took him for a little spin in the TARDIS. He wasn't... as impressed as you might think."

"What, time travel not enough for him?"

"No... we actually didn't get along very well." The Doctor's voice dropped a bit. "To be honest, he's a bit... full of himself."

"_He_ was a bit full of himself?" River asked.

"Yes, that's what I just said. You should pay more attention when I'm speaking."

* * *

><p>"So why exactly are you here Susanne?" Sherlock was getting a bit impatient. Ten minutes of attempting to interview the woman, and somehow she always managed to steer the conversation back to how similar and close she was to her cousin, Irene.<p>

Susanne looked straight into his eyes. "well its about my sister i mean cousin."

Sherlock raised an eyebrow. "_Really?_"

"yes." said Susanne Innocence, failing to notice the sarcasm. "you see, shes gone mising and... and i wanted you to come with me to search for her."

Sherlock glanced at John out the corner of his eye. The retired army doctor was sitting on the sofa and watching him intently.

Sherlock cleared is throat. "Irene was put into a witness program in America some time ago. I'm sorry, but I can't track her down, even if I wanted to."

There was an awkward silence for a few moments. Then Susanne Innocence spoke up.

"no shes not."

Sherlock groaned. "Yes, she is."

"no, she's not. I saw-"

John stood up. "Okay, that's quite enough Susan, or whatever your name is."

"SIT DOWN!" Susanne spat in his direction eyes flashing. She turned back to Sherlock, docile and sweet once more.

"so as i was saing-"

There was a faint buzzing sound from outside, and the door burst open.

"Sorry." a voice said. "Didn't want to inconvenience anyone by knocking."

"Also," a woman's voice added, "He feels the need for dramatic entrances."

Sherlock sighed. "Doctor, this really isn't the time."

"Doctor?" asked John. "Doctor who?"

Sherlock turned to him. "Remember that time, a few months ago, when I vanished into that Police Box?"

"Yes," said John slowly, "You never actually did tell me what happened."

"_He_ happened." replied Sherlock, with a glare at the Doctor.

"What are you glaring at me for? I took you to see Edgar Allan Poe!"

"Yes, but then you left me stranded for a week in 1840, while you disappeared to who knows where!"

"Fine, so I'd gone to meet with Charlie Chaplin. But you were having such a _boring_ discussion, and I only meant to go for a few hours, so technically it's the TARDIS's fault."

River cleared her throat. "It's lovely to see the two of you getting along so nicely, but aren't we forgetting something?"

The Doctor pulled the Sue-detector out of his coat. He pointed at Susanne, and it made a faint ding sound. "There we go. Mr. Holmes, I have reason to believe that this woman sitting before you is in fact, an alien impostor."

"Oh." Sherlock said. "That would actually concur with my line of reasoning. How do you propose we deal with it?"

River tossed him a spork. Susanne's eyes widened. "but Sherl, you cant-"

Sherlock leaned forward and prodded her with the utensil. She vanished. He leaned back in his chair.

"Well, that was a relief. I was getting rather tired of her. Thank you Doctor."

"Did she seriously just call you Sherl?" John asked.

"Shut up," snapped Sherlock. "Shouldn't you be a bit less coherent? You just saw a woman vanish, right before your eyes!"

"Yeah, well it tends to happen a lot around you."

"Anyway," the Doctor interrupted, "I see your tea has gone cold. Allow me to deal with that." He pointed the Sue-detector at the china cup and pressed a button.

Nothing happened.

"Funny." he muttered, shaking it. "That should be working."

"So should the spinning dish." said River. She moved towards Sherlock. "So, you're a detective?"

"And, we're leaving." said the Doctor hastily. "Come on River."

"Yes, you really should be going," said Sherlock, "Goodbye"

"Until next time." replied the Doctor, closing the door behind them.

"Well, that was... interesting." said John.

Sherlock was groaning. "Dear God, there's going to be a _next time_?"

* * *

><p><strong>When did Sherlock and the Doctor last meet? Check out this awesome YouTube video : WHOLOCK - Sherlock meets the Doctor. It is made by a master (no, not The Master) of video manipulation and editing.<strong>

**Also, the title of this chapter shares the name of a Doctor Puppet episode, though for different reasons. Again, an absolutely brilliant tribute to Doctor Who, it can be found on YouTube.**

**And no, I am not advertising. These are just some of the things I really love, and I wanted to share them with you lot.**

**Leave a review if you please, suggest more places for the Doctor and River to visit.**

**Also, there is a reference to a particular famous Fourth Doctor episode hidden in the last chapter. First three people to PM (NOT COMMENT) me with the line get an exclusive peek at the next chapter, as soon as I write it.**

**TwentyRings**


	10. A Fraud Indeed

**A/N: ****I could say that I've been busy, but that would only be partially true. I've actually had a terrible case of writer's block, at least when I tried to continue writing Elementary. **

**This is the tenth chapter, and I decided to try something different. I hope you enjoy.**

* * *

><p><strong>ROMEO:<strong>  
>But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?<br>It is the east, and my love art the sun.  
>Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,<br>Who is already sick and pale with grief,  
>That thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.<br>Be not her maid, since she is envious;  
>Her vestal livery is but sick and green<br>And none but fools do wear it; cast it off.  
>It is my lady, O, it is my love!<p>

_[Enter TARDIS]_

**ROMEO:**  
>Indeed, what be this strange sound,<br>That dances 'pon mine ear?  
>The sound of my love is more melodious indeed,<br>Were it that I could hear that,  
>For I would choose the sound of my love over the sound of all else,<br>Be it the wind, the birds or the song of the river.

_[Enter The Doctor and River Song]_

**RIVER:**  
>Indeed, did thou speakst mine name?<p>

**DOCTOR:**  
><em>[facepalms]<em> No, don't do that. Just... don't.

**RIVER:**  
>I shall do as I choose, lover mine.<p>

**DOCTOR:**  
>Oh, very well. <em>[clears throat]<em>  
>Indeed, beneath the stars upon an evening fine,<br>My self and my lover dear stroll under the sky.  
>But however, the eve is not so devoid as we had believed,<br>Nay, there be other souls about,  
>Dancing beneath the moon.<br>Pray tell, dear fellow,  
>What is about, at this finest of hours?<p>

**ROMEO:**  
>With love's light wings did I o'er perch these walls,<br>For stony limits cannot hold love out,  
>Indeed, I am here upon this eve,<br>To meet with my love, a quest fair indeed.  
>For she is the sun, the moon and the stars,<br>Nay, she is beyond even that,  
>For they pale in shame when she is about.<p>

**RIVER:**  
>Thou art truly smitten, nay?<br>Forsooth, what is the name of thy love?  
>It is Juliet, is it not?<p>

**ROMEO:**  
>I do not know of whom you speak.<br>Unless it be the Juliet of the Capulets,  
>A name despised by all mine family.<br>But perhaps not, for Juliet be a common name.  
>There be many a Juliet, and many a Romeo in the world.<br>But my love, she has a name unique.  
>If names were flowers, hers would be a red rose,<br>Within a field of plain daisies;  
>And smell just as sweet.<p>

_[Enter Lady Annabellaine Saint Rose-Marie]_

**ANNABELLAINE:**  
>Prithee, 'tis a fine-eth eve.<br>Indeed, my name be-eth Lady Annabellaine Saint Rose-Marie.  
>And 'tis certainly not plain and common.<br>As I am myself, not plain and common.  
>Gadzooks, Romeo!<br>Who-eth be these two strangers?

**DOCTOR:**  
>Fair <em>[coughs]<em> fair Lady Annabellaine, I am the Doctor, and this be my wife, River Song.

**ROMEO:**  
>Thou art a Doctor? Doctor who?<p>

**ANNABELLAINE:**  
>Nay Romeo, you sayeth 'Doctor whom?'<p>

**ROMEO:**  
>Indeed, as always, thou art correct, my love.<br>Doctor whom?

**DOCTOR:**  
>At all times I am referred to as Doctor.<br>A title simply; no true name have I.  
>But indeed, what is in a name?<br>A Rose would smell as sweet were she...it named differently.

**RIVER SONG:**  
>I shall pretend I did not hear that.<p>

**DOCTOR:  
><strong>What a merry meeting this is!  
>Indeed, the four of us gathered beneath starlight,<br>'Tis not mere chance my friends, 'tis fate.  
>Fate, what a curious mistress.<br>Like unto a shark, but not so.  
>Nay, like unto a clock, but not so.<br>However, I digress from what I wish to convey;  
>Indeed, 'tis fate which compels me to do this. <em>[throws Spork]<em>

**ANNABELLAINE:  
><strong>Nay, Doctor! Though hast brought-eth mine destruction.  
>What hast thou done-eth?!<br>_[Exit, pursued by Spork]_

**ROMEO:  
><strong>What witchcraft was it,  
>That had cast this cloak over my eyes?<br>Indeed, I was drawn like moth to flame,  
>And found flame was naught.<br>I thank thee, and thank thee again, Doctor.  
>May you and all your kind be blessed through the ages.<p>

**DOCTOR:  
><strong>My kind?

**ROMEO:  
><strong>Doctors, of all kinds,  
>Indeed, now I trust them beyond anyone else.<br>The night is yet young, and I take my leave;  
>Juliet, oh Juliet!<br>Wherefore art thou, Juliet?  
><em>[Exit]<em>

**RIVER:  
><strong>'Twas a successful mission, nay Doctor?

**DOCTOR:  
><strong>They're both going to die.

**RIVER:  
><strong>Oh.

_[Exeunt]_

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I think I just wrote 'indeed' more times in this chapter than I have in the rest of mine life.  
><strong>**Also, you'd probably be hard pressed to find someone inserting a Mary Sue into Shakespeare canon in the entire history of fan fiction. I mean, who would do that? (besides me?)  
>Hope you enjoyed, leave-eth a comment.<br>_[Exit TwentyRings]_  
><strong>


	11. Sue-strap Paradox

**A/N: I am sorry, so very sorry. It's been, what, over 3 months?**

**I have reasons. Reason-y reasons. Did anyone notice that reasons sound a lot like raisins?**

**Did anyone notice how incredibly awesome Capaldi is?**

**Did anyone notice that I'm just asking all these questions to distract from the unavoidable reality of HOW LONG IT'S BEEN?**

**See, I'm angry at me too. No sense in both of us being angry.**

**I will tell you my reasons. But first, we read.**

* * *

><p>"Eyebrows," the Doctor muttered under his breath, as he leaned his back against the TARDIS console.<p>

"What was that?" asked River, who was sitting beside him.

"What was what?"

River glared at him. "You just said 'eyebrows' for no particular reason while I was in the middle of describing the awfulness of those prison lunches."

"Believe me, I was paying attention to every excruciating detail, and was most certainly not having wacky daydreams while I didn't zone out."

River's glare hardened. "Listen!" she snapped. "Now, like I was saying, on every Saturday..."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Actually, let's do the reasons first.**

**I was away. On a holiday.**

**A very long holiday.**

**And I hadn't expected I would return.**

**In fact I meant... oh, forget it.**

**Anyways, I had incredibly limited WiFi access. Ten miles in a snowstorm just to check my email, etc. (I'm possibly exaggerating just a teensy bit.)**

**But now, I'm back!**

**...**

**What, no applause?**

**Anyway, this is Chapter ELEVEN, so it's going to be a special one.**

**I'd recommend re-reading Chapter 1 before proceeding, at least if you haven't done so recently.**

**Even I had to re-read it, and I'm still cringing at my writing.**

**The bright side is, eleven chapters in and my writing is absolutely perfet.**

* * *

><p>"...and then I said 'Oatmeal? Are you insane?', but the main problem was actually the fact that-"<p>

"River," the Doctor said sharply, cutting her off, "When did you become so... boring?"

"What do you mean, boring? I haven't had much of a choice, have I? Boredom springs eternal."

The Doctor cleared his throat and took a deep breath. "Boredom, like all other things is a choice. We all have to keep moving on through our lives, but we can never forget who we were, but we will forget if who we were was boring. It's better to fail while doing the exciting thing as opposed to succeeding in doing the boring one. After all every life is a pile of boring things and-"

"Doctor?"

"Yes?"

"You're bored too, aren't you?"

"Yeah..."

River sighed. "I don't get it. You rescued me from Stormcage, you promised something new and exciting, and then... nothing. We've just been sitting here."

The Doctor scratched his nose thoughtfully. "Actually, you're right. I had something planned. A once in a lifetime opportunity, and I just let it pass for no reason." He looked up, and his eyes narrowed. "River, why did I do that?"

River shrugged. "You changed your mind."

"No!" The Doctor stood up suddenly. "I don't change my mind, not now, not ever!"

"What are you talking about? You change your mind all the time."

"Well, yes... but not like that. Not when Universes are threatened and sanity hangs in the balance."

"Whose sanity are we talking about? I already know one that's a lost cause."

The quip was lost on the Doctor, who was already running to the other side of the console, pulling nearly every lever and twisting every knob as he did. "Buckle up," he advised.

"The TARDIS doesn't have seat belts. Or seats, really." River reminded him.

"Yeah, but I've always wanted to say that. The point is, we're going somewhere incredibly dangerous."

"And where would that be?" River asked. The last time the Doctor had said 'incredibly dangerous', they had ended up trying to catch meekfish in the Still Lake of Baraneous V Sipraneous. And they hadn't even caught any.

"Right here. I'm piloting the TARDIS into the TARDIS of five hours ago. Straightforward in theory since we haven't exited since, but-" There was an enormous shake and he was flung across the room. "Oh, come on!" he shouted at the console as he picked himself up. "It's not _that_ dangerous, I'm sure you can handle it!"

"But why would you even want to do that?" asked River, who had also been flung over, and was trying to untangle her hair from some protruding wires.

The Doctor looked at her. "I don't just change my mind, River. Something happened, something went horribly wrong. I don't know how, and I don't know why. But I will find out."

* * *

><p>With the smallest of <em>ding <em>sounds, the TARDIS suddenly stopped shaking. The Doctor slowly walked towards the doors, and gently pulled one of them open just enough to peek outside. There was nothing outside but darkness.

"Well, that worked," said River flatly.

"I think it did," the Doctor replied, "We appear to be inside one of the storage panels."

"How exactly are we fitting inside a storage panel?" she asked, "Wait, it's-"

"Bigger on the inside," they both said together.

The Doctor gave a small cough. "Right, I'm going to take a quick look outside."

He tiptoed towards the dark wall, carefully avoiding large piles of junk as he did so, and pressed against it with his hand. A small panel gave way and he was able to peek outside.

When he pulled himself back in, his face was a mixture of both fear and boyish glee. "We're in the TARDIS... in the TARDIS," he whispered excitedly at River. "The Doctor is there... and he's in here!"

"Right, let me see," River said, not entirely convinced. She pushed the panel slightly open, looked out and gave a wide grin. "Ooh, this is excellent. I could never get a proper look at myself from this angle."

"Well, now that you're here, we should probably start on the... on the thing I had planned." The Doctor outside was saying happily.

"Is that seriously what my voice sounds like?" River jumped as she realized the Doctor was standing next to her again.

"You can feel them, can't you?" he asked her.

"Feel what?" she asked, though she had a feeling she knew what he meant.

"Your memories, and mine as well. Hovering just out of reach. I know I hadn't told you about the storage panels, and yet I get the feeling I did."

"But that probably means we're on the right track, right? If there is something wrong, and we stop it, everything should go back to normal."

The Doctor stroked his chin thoughtfully, "I wish I had my beard back," he said.

"Doctor!"

"Sorry, erm... let's see. Two possible scenarios," he held out one hand, "You are right, and we set things straight, or," he held out his other hand in a closed fist and put his first hand around it, "Our alternate timeline selves are converging with our regular selves because my TARDIS inside my TARDIS is about to cause the entire Multiverse to explode." His hands flew apart while he made explosiony sounds with his mouth.

River's eyes widened slightly, but she showed no other sign of stress or fear. "Okay... let's say it was possibility two. How long before it... happens?"

The Doctor checked his watch. "Fifteen seconds, give or take two. Oh, look. My TARDIS started a countdown." Sure enough, all of the monitors in the TARDIS had gone blank except for a counting down timer at **00:14**.

River gave the tiniest of gulps. "Doctor..."

"Hmm, yes?" he replied casually.

**00:11**

"If the Universe does explode, I just need to tell you..."

"Tell me what?"

**00:07**

River sighed. "I need to tell you that I'm not falling for it."

The timer froze at **0:03**.

The Doctor gave a wistful sigh, "Well, it was worth a shot."

River gave him a playful smile. "What exactly were you hoping I'd say in our final moments? Some deep, dark secret? I've certainly got plenty to spare."

The Doctor shifted his feet uncomfortably. "Well, not exactly a secret of the deep dark nature but, erm..." His eyes told her the whole story.

River was taken aback, and slightly embarrassed. She looked down at her feet as she spoke her next words. "Doctor, did you want me to say 'I love you'?"

There was no reply.

River looked up. The Doctor was gone.

She gritted her teeth. "I swear, I'd kill that man if I hadn't already."

* * *

><p>The Doctor was moving to the back of the storage panel. There had been something wrong about the place, and he had figured it out.<p>

Him and River weren't alone in here. And the memories which were growing stronger and stronger told him why.

A white piece of plastic was gleaming in the darkness at the top of one of the junk piles. The Doctor picked up the Spork, and entered the shadows.

* * *

><p>River was glaring into the darkness, searching for the Doctor when suddenly the panel behind her opened and a long arm in a tweed sleeve reached inside and began fumbling around.<p>

She could hear the other Doctor's voice. "Basically, think of the multiverse as a very large neighborhood with millions of houses..."  
>Even as she heard the words she could remember hearing the Doctor say them from the other side. <em>But what had happened next?<em>

Suddenly, the arm reached further in and nearly grabbed her leg, but she swiftly moved it out of the way and slid a large book into its place in one deft motion. The other Doctor grabbed the book and she winced as she recalled ducking it.

While the arm was away, she quickly retreated to the back of the panel, where a strange sight met her eyes.

* * *

><p>There was a girl sitting against the wall, legs clutched to her chest. She was pretty, and her dress was well made, but her face was tightly scrunched up and her eyes were closed as though she was concentrating hard on something, making it difficult to tell her age.<p>

Standing across from her was the Doctor. He held something white and shiny in his hands, and was staring at it thoughtfully.

_A Spork_, River realized. _So that girl must be a Mary Sue_.

"It's a trap," the Doctor said quietly, interrupting her thoughts. "A trap so simple, so clever that I fell for it the first time. That's why the timeline changed, and we forgot."

River was confused. "What do you mean, the first time? And what exactly is the trap?"

The Doctor sighed. "It's a... well I guess the best way to put it would be a recurring paradox, a time loop of sorts. We keep passing through it, and my only hope is that I've retained memory enough from the previous times to get it right this time."

River looked curiously at the Sue. "What's she doing?"

"She's incredibly powerful," the Doctor replied, "and unlike most of the powerful ones she has very precise control over it, despite her age. She's young, probably has no idea of the consequences of what she's doing."

"So why is she doing... whatever it is?"

"I'm remembering more and more of what we did, and it seems we struck some pretty hard blows against the Sues. So much so that they sent one of their best to stop us before we even start."

River was also remembering more of their adventures. "I got possessed by one of them," she said slowly. "They probably used what they found out to plan against us. What do you think she's trying to do?"

"Best case scenario, she's just trying to change my other self's mind." The Doctor was grim. "Worst case, she'll destroy the TARDIS."

"She can do that?"

"From the inside, yes. I've got exactly what I need to stop her," he held out the Spork, "but using it is what they want me to do."

At last, River understood. "You, the other you, is searching for that right now. If you use it, he won't find it-"

"And that, combined with these temporal waves the Sue is sending out will convince him, me, to give up." the Doctor completed. "And I'm almost entirely sure that's what I did last time. It's what I _would_ do if I didn't know not to."

River looked at him, saw the uncertainty in his eyes. "But you don't know you shouldn't," she said softly, "If she succeeds, she could destroy the TARDIS, killing you, me and possibly herself. You said it yourself: she probably doesn't know what she's doing."

The Doctor looked right at River, his eyes wide. "We're almost out of time," he said, his voice barely more than a whisper. "I don't know what to do."

River looked back at him and gave him the smallest of smiles. "And that's why you don't have to do anything, sweetie."

She walked towards the young girl and put her arm around her. "I don't know if you can hear me, but I'm risking a lot on you being able to. So listen, if you can." River's voice was soft, but it carried a hint of urgency. "I know exactly what you're feeling right now. All your life, you've been told to do this, and do that. Carrying out orders and being told not to ask questions. People not seeing you past your powers and how they can benefit from them, how they can use you to their own ends. I was brought up the same way."

The girl did not move, or even open her eyes, but she spoke, her young voice filled with fear. "What did you do?"

River tightened her arm. "One day, I was ordered to do something I simply couldn't. Something cruel, something unfair. It was well within my abilities, I could even see the vaguest shadow of logic behind the decision. I held on till the last second, but when it came down to it, I couldn't do it. So I didn't."

The girl's eyes remained shut. "But didn't they hurt you?" she asked.

"Oh, they tried." River said with a smile. "And they've been trying ever since. But the day I stood up to them, I gained something that was completely worth it. I gained my freedom. And that freedom is more than enough to protect me, because whatever they try to do, they'll never have any hold over me again."

The girl opened her eyes. They shone, blazing with a golden light. "I'm sorry," she whispered, her voice trembling. With a swirling flash of white light, she vanished.

* * *

><p>The ground began shaking and the Doctor ran to River and grabbed her.<p>

He held her tight in her arms as the storage fell apart.

The world crumbled around them, but River could have sworn the last words she heard before everything was gone were 'I love you.'

* * *

><p>River opened her eyes. She was in the TARDIS, lying flat on her back. The Doctor was strolling around the console, readjusting monitors and twirling dials.<p>

"It worked," she called out to him, not entirely certain herself.

The Doctor offered a hand to help her up. "It did." he replied. "Technically, it never happened."

"I still remember it though," River replied, accepting his help to stand up.

"Not for long. It'll slip out soon, nothing more than a wacky daydream. I'm sure the girl will be fine too, with that kind of power it's really the other Sues I'm worried about."

He began beaming suddenly. "But we have a bit of time, just enough for me to tell you, River Song, you were brilliant. Completely and absolutely, really, you should have my job."

River beamed back at him. "I should really. Let's face it, I already fly the TARDIS better."

He grabbed her hand, twirled her round and accidentally dropped her. She pulled him to the ground and they sat, side by side against the TARDIS console, laughing till they had forgotten why.

* * *

><p><strong>When I was halfway through this, I felt a sudden urge to stop. It was too serious, too long, it felt more like a story finale than a simple special chapter. Then I was tempted to make this the finale. But the problem is, I still have so many ideas for this story bubbling away at the back of my brain.<strong>

**Then I realized. It's been three and a half months, and I owe it to myself and to all of you valuable readers to write and post this chapter. My only hope is that you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it.**

**My other only hope is that you review. Come on, I wrote nearly three thousand words, I deserve at least two lines of positive or negative feedback, anonymous or otherwise.  
>TwentyRings<strong>

**PS-For those of you reading Elementary, I hope to start on a new chapter soon.**


	12. Epiloge

**A/N: It's been a really long time, and I'm sorry about that. A fair warning, this is going to be a very short epilogue with the sole purpose of concluding this particular story.**

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><p>On a cosmic plane far from our own, separated by a single, shrinking rift in the fabric of spacetime...<p>

_There r 2 strang, strang beings out there. At first, they were been nuthing, beneath the priveledge of our atention._

**_No, they are still nothing. They are naught more than a mosquito buzzing by._**

_You donot understand, that last move that they made agenst us, that speeks of a higher inteligense. They pose a sirius threat. If theyre left uncheked, we could... fail._

**_For every one of ours they stop, a hundred more succeed. This isn't failure, and I suggest you remember your place. _**

_It is bcos of ur loftire positon that u dont see whats going on. they turned 1 of ours aginst us. They hurt us, my powre is growin weaker by da 2nd._

**_And mine remains as strong as ever. I fail to see how this concerns me. You have a mission, complete it._**

_but.._

**_Are you capable of completing it?_**

_u don't undrestand, its not that simpel..._

**_ARE YOU CAPABLE?_**

_... i dont know. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯_

**_Very well then. Perhaps you were right, perhaps my position has grown too comfortable. We have a rare opportunity, too rare to waste on the likes of you. I will be taking over this endeavor._**

_and what will bcome of me?_

**_For now, you will be confined to this plane. You final fate will be decided after I have completed your mission. In the meantime, confine the rogue one before any more damage is done._**

_...be carful. Theyre dangeros, both of them are_

**_I don't need caution. I need every available resource we have. Send for those in the lower levels, unleash the hordes in the higher levels, bring out the old veterans. We will use every tactic we have, until we find their weak spot and exploit it, exploit it until the Doctor and River Song are no more._**

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><p><strong>With this incredibly short epilogue, I end Sporks and Wives: The Sue Hunt. I thank every one of you who supported me, critiqued me, or even just read the story. I would also like to thank my computer's long suffering spell-checker for not giving up on any of my legit typos.<strong>

**Since I have so many more ideas, the story will be continued in already started Sporks and Wives 2: Hogwartian Sue-galoo (really beginning to re-think that title). However, I'm incredibly busy right now and will be for the next two months, after which I will probably go on a writing spree for all my stories. In the meantime, I would like to ask you to follow me so that you know when it's happening.**

**If you enjoyed Sporks and Wives, and are a fan of both Doctor Who and Star Trek at the very least, I highly recommend the webcomic _Ensign Sue must Die_ and its sequels, which feature a more coherent plot, bigger crossovers and (obviously) better artwork than my story. I can't post links here, so just Google it.**

**On an almost entirely unrelated note, I'd like to mention _Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality _by LessWrong which recently concluded its 122 chapter 660K word run, and is seriously the best Fanfic I have ever read. Chances are most of you have read it and it really doesn't need my endorsement. Also check out _The Marauder's Companion_ by mibamonster, the original inspiration for Sporks.**

**I think that's about it. Live long and prosper.  
>TwentyRings<strong>


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